Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
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the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”