You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch