Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
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Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”