Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
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Made something I’m not proud of
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude