It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
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NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE