i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
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When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.