I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
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Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
live long and prosper!
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda