Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
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Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.