8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
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[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.