Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
You Might Also Like
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Just why bro?!
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.