Smile Twitter, Smile.
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My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!