People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
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Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.