I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
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North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
But is it really??
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”