If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
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Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
they really do be looking like this
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday