Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
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I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
The internet is full of many things
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!