If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
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I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
🙅🏻
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Rt to bother an English speaker
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Why soy sad?
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*