I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
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[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
🤣😂🤣
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.