My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
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Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?