the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
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I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I created you as mosquito food.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?