The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked