Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.