I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
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my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.