When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.