Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
You Might Also Like
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.