Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
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Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Monday Lisa
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*