[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
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I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Great Canadian literature.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
FRED: right