Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
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Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.