This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
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Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.