TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
You Might Also Like
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex