Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
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HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.