This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
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Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction