I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
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Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Am I having a stroke?
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?