*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
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The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE