Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
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With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?