Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
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What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon