Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
You Might Also Like
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”