I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
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Mmmm canned fish.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
HERE’S MARKY
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.