One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
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If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
we’re dead?
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Perfect
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.