5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
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When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.