Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
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I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.