North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.