i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
You Might Also Like
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait