Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
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“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*