[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
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Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Perfect.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s