[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
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Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE