A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Saturday
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.