“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
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therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Hmmmmm
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
“We will wed,” I threatened
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra