Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
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White parent Vs Arab parents
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Time for evil
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess