I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
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They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Room with a view.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.