Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
You Might Also Like
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.